I Don't Get It

A frivolous waste of space.

Tom Toles - you may go fuck yourself.

A Little Seasick

Light posting - I'm busy scaring the Iranians shitless today. I'm sure you understand.

Check out that bad boy behind me here. I flew that fucker in from Baghdad and, from what I understand, proved to be the most natural pilot anyone has ever seen. How hard can it be if the Cheer Captain can do it?

Anyway, I'm having the boys load it with a nuke and we're going out later to see what kind of hell we can raise around Tehran. Watch for me on the evening news.

A Clarification

Dylan raises an interesting question regarding my seeming lack of consistency regarding Giuliani in drag versus my penchant for playing "Lockdown."

It's quite simple, really.

Dick Cheney doesn't have to explain himself.

In short, I'm fucking this dog, you just hold the collar.

Secretary of State - Paul Lynde

Yes, this is still the leader for the Republican nomination. The one on the right.

Why don't we just run the fucking rotting corpse of Liberace up the flag pole and see who will salute that? Trust me, with a solid "man" sharing the ticket, you can elect a fucking stump. Didn't we prove that in 2000 and 2004? To put this fucking queen over the top, though, you're going to have to put an uber-macho man such as myself or Tom 'Magnum' Selleck in as VP and let me tell you, my firend, men like us are not a dime a dozen.

Time grows short, my minions. Save yourselves.

Draft Dick '08.

Bollito Misto alla Piemontese

A word of advice, my friend: never get into a pissing contest with a heavy drinker and never start swapping what I would consider dirty jokes with The Queen.

My mistake today was starting, only to have her go on and on with one crude remark after another.

Ex. Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven. They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today." "What?" his father replied. "When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

I'm telling you, the woman goes on and on with stuff I haven't heard in thirty years. I tried pawning her off on Dylan for awhile, but she, like most women, seemed drawn to my magnetic sexuality. Who could blame her

Yes, my Beefaholics, I hit HRH up for her favorite beef recipe, and she gladly obliged.

It looks like a humdinger.

Enjoy the fucking beef.

QE2's Bollito Misto alla Piemontese

INGREDIENTS:
2 1/4 pounds beef -- the cut used in Italy is shoulder; others suggests beef brisket
2 1/4 pounds neck or breast of veal
1 1/4 pounds calf's head (see note)
A veal's tongue, weighing 1 1/4 pounds
A chicken, weighing about 2 1/4 pounds
A cotechino weighing about 3/4 pound (see note)
2 carrots
3 ribs celery
2 onions, stuck with 2 cloves each
Salt

PREPARATION:
Continuing with the introduction, Though seven kinds of meat may seem like a lot, the variety is important because each compliments the others, producing a whole that is greater than the sum of the parts. You should include beef, veal, pork, chicken, tongue, zampone or cotechino, and feel free to add whatever other cuts of meat you feel might work. The pieces should be from older animals, because they will be more flavorful, and should also be large - this means that a good bollito misto is ideal for a convivial meal with friends, or for when you want to make something that will provide the wherewithal for several meals. In terms of cooking technique, preparing a bollito misto is straight forward: Bring a pot of lightly salted water to a rolling boil and add the beef, veal, chicken and vegetables (the hot water seals the meat; see below for timing).

Boil, separately, the tongue and zampone or cotechino, assuming you choose to include them.

Notes -- Calf's head: Though required by tradition, this is becoming difficult to find; should you choose not to include it, increase the beef and veal, or add a pound of lean pork instead. A cotechino is a pork sausage, available in Italian delicatessens; you can also use a zampone, which is a stuffed pig's trotter.

And finally, the recipe:

Fill a large pot with water sufficient to cover the meat. Lightly salt the water, add the vegetables, set the pot on the fire. Since you want the flavor to remain in the meat, wait until the water comes to a boil before adding the beef (the heat will seal in its juices). Reduce the flame to a simmer, and after about an hour, add the breast of veal, chicken, and calf's head (should you prefer not to use it, increase the quantities of beef and veal, or add a pound of lean pork -- this isn't piemontese, but the emilians do it.) In the meantime, set a second pot of lightly salted water on the fire, bring it to a boil, and begin simmering the tongue when you add the veal and chicken to the beef. If you are using a fresh cotechino or zampone set it in a pot of cold lightly salted water at this time (prick the cotechino all over, or loosen the string of the zampone first) and begin simmering it. If you instead buy precooked sausage, follow the instructions on the package. The meats will be done when they are fork-tender, this will take about an hour or slightly more from when you add the veal and the chicken to the beef. Come serving time, the meats should be arranged on a heated platter, sprinkled with a ladle of hot broth, and carved at the table (cut the tongue and the cotechino or zampone, into 1/2-inch slices). In addition to meats and condiments you will need vegetables -- again, variety is important. Seasonal variability will of course dictate your selection, but it should include at least onions, carrots and celery, boiled in or steamed over lightly salted water until are fork-tender; I would also include potatoes, and would serve the vegetables with olive oil, coarse sea salt (kosher will do), and unsalted butter for those who want them.

In addition to the sauces, you should consider is Mostarda d'uva, a jam-like condiment made from grape must that goes quite nicely with boiled meats, and is also surprisingly good with a selection of cheeses (you can substitute granulated honey in this case). Alas, the recipes I have seen all call for beginning with a gallon or more of grape must, an ingredient not easily available in most places. Nor is mostarda d'uva easy to find outside of Piemonte. However, if you have access to a well stocked delicatessen, you may be able to substitute Mostarda di Cremona, a distinctive sauce made by candying fruit with mustard seeds. As a final pair of condiments for your bollito, you may want some balsamic vinegar -- the Emilians generally do -- and also mustard and mayonnaise. Finally, don't forget to serve good Italian-style bread. In this discussion we have overlooked one very important point: In a festive Italian meal, a bollito misto alla piemontese would be served as a second course. What to serve as a first? Tortellini in broth would be perfect: Degrease the beef/chicken broth(1) (the broths from the tongue and the cotechino will be too greasy), and serve each of your guests a steaming bowl of broth with 8-10 good quality store-bought tortellini of the traditional meat-filled variety. The wine? A good moderately aged Barbera D'Asti would work quite well; it's a medium-bodied red wine with nice fruit and a fairly high level of acidity that will do a fine job of balancing the fats present in boiled meats and sausages. Other possibilities include a robust Dolcetto di Dogliani, for example Giovanbattista Gillardi's Dolcetto di Dogliani Cursalet (his Vigna Maestra is also very nice), or a good Bardolino, for example Corte Gardoni's Bardolino Superiore or Bardolino Classico le Fontane. Dessert?

The choice is up to you.

NOTE: This may be our high point on recipes. It can only go downhill for quality and complexity...perhaps for the best.

Regarding Spanking

Throughout the course of ones life, one finds oneself at times pondering that best left unpondered.

I'll be the first to admit that Dick Cheney's mind strays from time to time. It's not always shit and giggles running wars and ruining lives - leisure activities assist in keeping the mind honed to a razor sharpness.

I, for example, find relaxation in dressing up as a police woman and playing "Lockdown."

I'm sure there are some dead-enders and various types of your "gotcha" gamers who will tend to call this "wrong," "perverse" or "immoral" in some way, but I find it to be a healthy diversion from the stress of everyday life.

Since the wombat to whom I am wed refuses to participate, I've sought surrogates to act out the other side of the "Lockdown" equation. Dick Cheney's name, therefore, may or may not surface in the DC Madam case. It should not be misconstrued for that other than which it is -- a simple brief diversion from the weight of the world.

Either way, I am an innocent bystander caught in scurrilous lies.