Harvest

The insinuations in the comments here that I would have people "killed" for their organs are both absurd and way off base.

Human life is precious and sacred - especially mine. The advocacy of killing randomly in order to harvest life sustaining body parts is, at best, misguided. Random killing and harvesting could lead to the introduction of inumerable problems and a myriad of disease onsets. The risks far outweigh the gains in most cases.

A far better solution, one set forth by no less than Dr. Mandingo, is growing and nourishing a crop of replacement parts which will be ready when necessary. I have taken some steps in this regard, but would rather not discuss it for fear of spooking Dylan.

Mediterranean Braised Beef

War is hell, my friends.

I've seen it up close, heard it, smelled it, lived to tell about it.

It's not pretty, not for the faint of heart.

Bombs, blood, shrieking - Jesus, the horror. Despite wanting to race directly to my plane and get the fuck out of that god-forsaken hellhole, I pasted a placid demeanor on my face and continued my duties. Let me add that there was little delay in getting to the plane afterward, but we carried on as if no battle raged outside.

Never have I been more certain that five deferments during Vietnam were the right thing to do.

Carnage and death are not for the civilized.

Now, it's time to take my mind off such atrocities and offer this fabulous beef recipe.

As one of my fellow followers of the Dark Lord, William Rehnquist was a man with whom I spent a good deal of time. Sure, he took advantage of my "initiation" period that I spoke of previously, but we developed something of friendship that carried on over the years. Yes, he was a son of a bitch who would sodomize his dead grandmother's eye sockets if it meant a moment's adulation for him, but he could put out a mean piece of meat. He served the following on a getaway we had in the winter of '90 - fond memories.

Here's to you, Rehnny, you old cocksucker.

Wm Rehnquist's Mediterranean Braised Beef

Ingredients:

1 boneless beef chuck shoulder pot roast (2-1/2 to 3 pounds)
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
2 small onions, halved, sliced
4 medium shallots, sliced
1/4 cup chopped pitted dates
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon pepper

Instructions:

1. Heat oven to 325°F. Lightly coat beef pot roast with flour. Heat oil in Dutch oven over medium heat until hot. Brown pot roast; remove.
2. Add 1-1/2 cups water and vinegar to Dutch oven; cook and stir until brown bits attached to pan are dissolved. Return pot roast. Add onions, shallots, dates, salt and pepper; bring to a boil. Cover tightly and cook in 325°F oven 2 to 2-1/2 hours or until pot roast is fork-tender. Remove pot roast; keep warm.
3. Cook liquid and vegetables over medium-high heat to desired consistency. Carve pot roast. Serve with sauce.

Makes 6 to 8 servings.

Note: Despite what you may hear, I never cried out "Mommy" when the explosion occurred. I was calling out "More for me!" I invite the evil-doers to take a shot at Big Dick. For now, however, I relish the thought of sleeping back home in the bunker.

Blow Me (Up)

They're going to have to do better than this to bring down Big Dick Cheney.

I'm fine, my friends, and looking forward to a fine beef dish later.

"Lyin' Cheney Sweepstakes"

Dr. Mandingo tells me that I am prone to micro-management and that my stress level is a direct result of such attentions to the seemingly trivial details that others may be able to push aside. Mandingo preaches relaxing, "not sweating the small stuff."

Hey, there's no such thing as "small stuff" for a modern day Caesar, Mandingo. Go bang the white woman while you can and leave national affairs to someone who knows what the hell he's doing.

Things like this, from Official Cheney Enemy of the State, Talking Points Memo cannot go unanswered.

You Karl Marx-worshipping dead-enders are way off base with this hogwash.

In short, go fuck yourselves.

Bloomin' Onion

Australia is an inherently fucked-up nation.

Being accustomed to things working a certain way, one expects them to continue sans interruption.

Post morning constitutional, I flushed and the goddamn water starts swirling around counter-clockwise. Aware of this southern hemisphere phenomenon, but never having witnessed it, I was struck by the oddity of the damned thing. I stared at it long enough to give myself a severe case of vertigo and the next thing I know I'm on the floor and Dr. Mandingo is coming at me with the defibrillator again.

Such are the hazards of life.

Well, being on the road, we decided to live it up a little last night, to go out and sample some of the native fare, as it were. Dylan chose our dining locale and we opted for a little place called 'The Outback Steakhouse.' (Note: The 'Outback' is a region in Australia. It is also a Subaru. With a fair degree of certainty, I believe this reference is to the outback in Australia.) I suppose even the Aussies can't fuck up a good piece of meat as there were several acceptable selections available. My beef landed squarely in the 'quite edible, but not truly outstanding' range, still I recommend that upon visiting Australia give 'The Outback Steakhouse' a shot. Nothing lets you see life among the natives better than a visit to their local watering holes.

You can also get your hands on a tremendous artifact of fried deliciosity. Dylan spotted a delightful appetizer hidden on the menu - a local eccentricity referred to as a 'Blooming Onion,' although it seems the Aussies purposely drop the 'g' and it becomes the 'Bloomin' Onion' - was the inadvertent story of the meal.

Once into it, I couldn't resist.

Mandingo continued to "advise" me against eating this tasty dish (cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol), but it was a succulent treat and I refused to stop until the damn thing was gone.

I asked for the recipe and was initially rebuffed, but there's no saying 'no' to a couple of Secret Service men armed with tasers.

So, here for your enjoyment is our first non-beef recipe.

Australia's Bloomin' Onion

Ingredients:
1/3 cup Cornstarch -- more if needed

1 1/2 cup Flour
2 teaspoons Garlic -- mince

2 teaspoons Paprika

1 teaspoon Salt

1 teaspoon Pepper

24 ounces Beer

4 Sweet Vidalia Onions

2 cups Flour

4 teaspoons Paprika

2 teaspoons Garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon Pepper

1/4 teaspoon Cayenne Creamy chili sauce

1 pint Mayonnaise1 pint Sour cream

1/2 cup Tomato chili sauce

1/2 teaspoon Cayenne

Directions:

Mix cornstarch, flour and seasonings until well blended.

Add beer, mix well.
Cut about 3/4" off top of onion and peel.
Cut into onion 12 to 16 vertical wedges but do not cut through bottom root end.
Remove about 1" of petals from center of onion.
Dip onion in seasoned flour and remove excess by shaking.
Separate petals to coat thoroughly with batter.
Gently place in fryer basket and deep-fry at 375F to 400F 1-1/2 minutes.
Turn over and fry 1-1/2 minutes longer or until golden brown.
Drain on paper towels.
Place onion upright in shallow bowl and remove center core with circular cutter or apple corer.

Serve hot with Creamy Chili Sauce.

SEASONED FLOUR

Combine flour, paprika, garlic powder, pepper and cayenne and mix well.

CREAMY CHILI SAUCE

Combine mayo, sour cream, chili sauce and cayenne and mix well.

This recipe for The Outback Bloomin' Onion serves 4 (although Dylan, Mandingo and I made short work of this one by ourselves.)

Note: Rolaids can help determine the difference between heart attack and heartburn.

The Dick Look

What pompous fool declares Dick Cheney unpopular?

As you can plainly see, all the hip young kids, like Republican Brittany Spears, are after the sleek, sexy Cheney look.

I am, as they say, quite a 'happening' fellow.

May I add that there has been no notification from People magazine that I am out of the running for this year's 'Sexiest Man Alive.'

Move over George Clooney, you left-wing man whore, this could be the season of the Dick.

Salt Encrusted Ribeye Roast

I must admit that there are times when even I am surprised at the stupidity of the defeatocrats.

Fox News (some call it my official mouthpiece, I say that's hogwash, but refuse additional comment) will host the first defeatocrat presidential debate in August.

Losers.

You know that all the big names will show up - as a matter of fact, I'm counting on it. Dylan and I are busy formatting suggested questions for our friends at Fox right now.

Here's what we have so far:

1. Hillary Rodham Clinton: Megabitch or murdering whore - discuss.

2. In what ways will your presidency resemble that of Jimmy Carter?

3. Name one thing that should not be taxed - no repeat answers.

4. Why do you hate America?

5. The way in which I am most gay is ______________.

6. How will you, as president, win the war on Christmas?

7. In your honest opinion, which of your fellow Democrat presidential candidates is most likely to go on a murderous killing spree?

8. Which of these is a Democrat candidate:
a. Osama bin Laden
b. Saddam Hussein
c. Barrack Hussein Obama
d. Muqtada al Sadr

9. Name 3 reasons why Dick Cheney should be president.

10. Which Democrat candidate do you consider most likely to be the antichrist?

11. One thing that I really dislike about US troops is __________.

12. Fill in the blank, John Edwards' hair is so gay, ______________.

13. Hindenberg or Titanic: which will your administration most resemble?

Stupid Fucks.

Okay, today we have a little something from the kitchen of my great and loyal friend, Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia. Even though he likes to lie about the size of his dick (see photo), the man has pocket loads of cash, we're talking Wal Mart-type dollars here, yet he still knows how to set out a superlative piece of meat. It was Tuesday last we sat down to a meal crowned by this terrific dish. I asked for and received what I consider the finest recipe of its kind.

Enjoy the fucking beef.

Prince Bandar's Salt Encrusted Ribeye Roast

1 4-6 lb. well-trimmed beef ribeye roast, small end
1 Tablespoon vegetable oil
2-3 teaspoons cracked black pepper

Salt Crust:
1 box (3 lbs.) coarse kosher salt
1 1/4 cup water

Directions:
1. Heat oven to 425° F. Line shallow roasting pan with heavy-duty aluminum foil. Combine salt crust ingredients; mix well. (Mixture may appear dry, but do not add additional water.)
2. In roasting pan, pat 1 1/2 cups salt mixture into a rectangular shape about 1/2 to 1 inch larger than the size of the roast.
3. Brush roast with oil; press pepper evenly into surface. Insert ovenproof meat thermometer into thickest part of roast, not resting in fat; center roast on salt layer. Starting at base of roast, pack remaining salt mixture onto sides and top of roast to encase roast in salt. (Occasionally, some salt mixture may fall off exposing small areas of the roast. This will not affect cooking.)
4. Roast in 425° F oven approximately 1 1/2 to 1 3/4 hours for medium rare; 1 3/4 to 2 hours for medium doneness.
5. Transfer pan with roast to cooling rack; let stand uncovered, 15 minutes.
6. Remove and discard salt crust from roast, brushing off any remaining salt. Carve roast into 1/2 inch thick slices.

Note : To my friends in Tehran...I was off by a week...So, next Monday the eagle flies at midnight. These fucking pills Dr. Mandingo has me on leave me goofier than Al Gore.

Moroccan Beef with Honey Spice Couscous

Motherfucker.

The weekend that I finally get my implants has to be the same one that bitch Brittany shaves her fucking head. Guess who gets the press?

I mean, I understand young people seeking the virile Cheney look, but why now?

Jesus, I can't get a break here.

So, check it out and let me know what you think.

Today's recipe was received from a fellow businessman whom I had the pleasure of meeting in 1996 during my travels abroad representing the Halliburton organization. Knowing my penchant for fine beef, he put out quite a spread.

Moroccan Beef with Honey Spice Couscous

1 1/2 pounds beef flank steak

Marinade:

2 tablespoons red wine vinegar

2 teaspoons garlic salt

1 teaspoon ground cumin

1 teaspoon ground corriander

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

1/2 cup honey

1/2 cup olive oil

Honey-Spice Couscous:

2 cups water

1/3 cup steak marinade

1 (8.75-ounce) can garbanzo beans

1 cup fresh seeded and chopped tomatoes

1/3 cup chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley

1 (10 to12-ounce) package couscous

To prepare marinade, combine vinegar and seasonings; stir well. Add honey and oil, stirring until blended. Remove 1/3 cup marinade; set aside for preparing couscous. Place flank steak in plastic bag; add remaining marinade, turning to coat. Close bag securely and marinate in refrigerator 1 hour or up to overnight.

Preheat 10 or 12-inch skillet over medium heat. Remove steak from marinade; discard marinade. Place steak in skillet (Cut steak in half, if necessary to fit pan.) Cook 8 to 10 minutes, or until browned. Turn steak, cover and reduce heat to low. Cook 7 to 10 minutes for medium doneness. Slice steak diagonally into thin slices. Serve with pan juices.

While steak is cooking, prepare Honey Spiced Couscous. In large saucepan combine water, reserved marinade, garbanzo beans, tomatoes and parsley. Bring to a boil over high heat. Stir in couscous. Cover and remove from heat; let stand 5 minutes. Fluff with fork to serve.

Makes 6 servings.

Note: To my friends in Tehran - the eagle flies at midnight...repeat...the eagle flies at midnight.

Mexi-Beef Chili Mac

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Coming Clean

I believe that I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

Certainly all intelligence points that way.

Beef Chili

A word of warning on this Lovefest Day, my friends:

Be careful out there.

Sure, we're all birddogging tail today and a few of us will be quite successful in bagging our limits. Dick Cheney lives by these words - 'get in, get off, get gone.'

Why?

The feeding frenzy when powerful men are discovered in compromising positions is not pretty. Better that you take care of business and move along, no lingering.

We have the strange propensity, like firebugs, to return to the scene of our misdeeds and gaze upon our conquests. This urge I have, by and large, overcome and strongly suggest that you do the same.

Let's use that cocksucker Karl Rove as an example.

Now, nobody likes the son of a bitch and I mean nobody. He's an open wound on the soul of humanity, but the Cheer Captain likes having him around, so the bastard stays. Not long ago, Rove's love interest, one Jeff 'Gannon' Guckert, causes a stir in the press room. Rove sets the fucker up in there as a 'journalist,' I suppose as some sort of boyfriend favor.

Jesus.

Jeff Gannon Guckert is to journalism as I am to Buddhism.

So, Gannon Guckert is outed as a man whore and I figure that Rove is done. I mean, I caught him teabagging 'Gannon' Guckert in an East Wing broom closet. We have a little party in the OVP, then the fucker skates through untouched.

Where was the special prosecutor looking into the matter? Rove's Mastercharge records would have finished the bastard. Every fucking charge on the goddamn thing is either to Applebee's or Hot Military Stud.com. I know, I've seen it.

Anyway, back to my point, discretion is your finest ally.

Don't put your man whore on display for the world to see.

I suppose Clinton would have made a better example, but we all know that story.

Anyway, today we celebrate one of the foundations of the beef world - chili.

A few weeks ago,a good friend and I were sitting around, as good men will, discussing the current sad state of affairs. We had a disagreement on what were truly the salad days for this continent - he said 1752; I said 1744.

We agreed to disagree, but set our sights on turning this nation back to those glorious times.

And then we had big bowls of chili.

Antonin Scalia's Beef Chili

INGREDIENTS
2 pounds ground beef
4 (14.5 ounce) cans kidney beans
4 (15 ounce) cans diced tomatoes
1 (12 fluid ounce) bottle beer
1 (12 ounce) bottle tomato-based chili sauce
1 large white onion, chopped
6 cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons chili seasoning
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon hot sauce
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

DIRECTIONS
Place the ground beef in a large pot and cook over medium heat until evenly brown. Drain off the excess fat.

Mix in the kidney beans, diced tomatoes, beer, chili sauce, onion, garlic, chili seasoning, black pepper, garlic powder, onion, cayenne pepper, oregano, sugar, hot sauce, and Worcestershire sauce. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, and simmer for about 4 hours, stirring occasionally.

Note: Ginsberg has promised Scalia that if she has to sit through another day after his pots of chili, she's quitting. Keep your fingers crossed.

He's making it this weekend.

My Favorite Holiday

It's finally here, the easiest day of the year to bird dog some major tail.

The Cialis, Lipator, Viagra, Placix and methodone are kicking in; Big Dick's ready for action.

(This is an artist's conception of Katherine Harris in just a scant few hours.)

French Veal Chops

Valentine's Day - a time to tell someone how you really feel about them. Check out the one and only Katherine Harris here.

Goddamn, she knows how to melt Dick Cheney's butter.

I'm gunning for you, Tits On A Pony (her Comanche name) - my love thing.

And let me tell you, Dick Cheney has had his share of the 'love' thing - maybe more than most - quite likely above average. I've experienced sexual intercourse with numerous women in a variety of odd positions and remain convinced to this day that they received pleasure, despite a few protestations to the contrary.

Regardless of what you hear, Dick Cheney's rockets never leave the launchpad too soon.

Dick Cheney is an 'E' ticket ride, baby.

I'd like to reveal to you, my cyberspace friend, some of the ins and outs of love that I have mastered over the years - 'Dick Cheney's Notes on Love,' as it were. May they assist in leading to copulation with a chosen partner - preferably male and female together, although I'm not against hot lesbo sex as long as my wife and daughter remain uninvolved.

First, know your limitations.

You, the average person, cannot pull the quality tail that those of us who number ourselves among life's successes can. Successful people, such as myself, have different venues and arenas opened before us that you, the average person, cannot fathom. Don't allow your reach to exceed your grasp.

In short, fuck whomever you can.

Second, there is no God.

Take what you can without regard to some misbegotten notion of a deity who will punish your transgressions in some afterlife.

This is it.

Nobody's watching.

Get it while you can.

Finally, alcohol is your best friend.

I would estimate that 95% of my sexual conquests have resulted from alcohol consumption - almost all instances on the part of the other party. Enough alcohol will leave most women either barely conscious or, if you're lucky, completely unconscious. Either way their defenses are down. Reverting back to my second point, this is no time to back off. You've put in the effort to get this far, why stop now?

Fuck her (or him).

And now, I'm off to buy a few bottles of the bubbly to share with Miss Katherine Harris, but first a recipe to start the ball rolling on that successful summit attempt.

Nothing says love like veal. In March of 1998, before my current ascension while slaving away at Halliburton, I was invited to dinner at the home of Texas homebuilder, Bob Perry. Now, the guy's a major nutjob, believes Jesus is leading him to help a Republican takeover of Texas and the US, believes in having no real government whatsoever (we're working on that, btw), and funded the greatest con of all time with the Swiftboat boys, but that night he and the missus put out a spread that even a French-speaking, windsurfing Trotskyite would have loved. After a somewhat dull evening spent discussing the ramifications of Chinese lumber vs. Canadian lumber, I requested the recipe for this meat and received it from a caterer some weeks hence.

I've renamed the meal appropriately.

Freedom Veal Chops

INGREDIENTS
2 veal chops (1-inch thick)
1/2 teaspoon salt
Dash pepper
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1/2 cup chopped onion
2 tablespoons butter, divided
1/4 cup chicken broth
1/3 cup dry bread crumbs
2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese

DIRECTIONS
Sprinkle veal chops with salt and pepper. In a skillet, brown chops on both sides in oil. Sprinkle onion into a greased shallow baking dish; dot with 1 tablespoon butter. Top with chops; drizzle with broth. Melt remaining butter; toss with bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese. Sprinkle over top.

Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees F for 30-35 minutes or until meat is no longer pink and a meat thermometer reads 160 degrees F.

Note: If you can't afford veal, let me suggest something from the fine folks at McDonald's and perhaps a few bottles of Boone's Farms finest vintage.

It gets you where you want to go.

Way Out of Line

Well, this is just an absurd piece of hogwash.

Again, everyone involved with this may go fuck themselves.

Hit List Addition

'Misguided' seems the most appropriate term for this low approach to humor at my expense.

Dick Cheney cooks a damn fine piece of meat, regardless of any indications to the contrary from this far-left, out-of-line, hogwash.

David Horsey of Seattle - you are now on Dick Cheney's Hit List - #1374.

In short, go fuck yourself.

Breakfast Beef Burritos

Okay, you got me. More or less, I've been in charge around here for the past six years and we're better off for it. Listen, with the nimrod you people elected, somebody had to stand up and deliver and that person was me. Jesus Christ, can you imagine if the Cheer Captain had actually been in command for six years? The only things he would have mandated would have been national weekly holidays for 'Fart Joke Friday,' and replacing the Thanksgiving turkey with long lines of coke. I deserve a fucking medal, or something.

Here's what I want instead:

I promised, vaguely at best as I recall, that with the conclusion of this term, I would not run for president. Yes, I feel your palpable disappointment. It anguishes me, as well. We need someone, and that someone could be YOU, to start a 'Draft Dick 08' movement. The Republicans have a bunch of pussies running this cycle and the Dick could mop the floor with any of them. I just need to get on the ballot. Modesty prevents reneging on my pledge, but if there's a groundswell of Americans longing for Dick, who am I to say no.

Let Dick Cheney really run America for the next eight years and we'll get some shit done, my friends.

You want to dance, Hugo Chavez? Say 'hello' to my little friend.

What's that? France is unhappy? Here's a little something for your croissant, motherfucker.

'Draft Dick 08.'

It'll be a fucking golden age.

Our recipe today is for those who have been trying to get more beef in their diet, but are having difficulty finding more opportunities. Sure, we've all enjoyed beef for lunch and supper as well as the occassional jerkey treat, but breakfast has long neglected the beef option, relying instead on a stream of pork and pork by-products. Fuck that. Here's a little something to get your day started the right way.

Dick's Breakfast Beef Burritos

Ingredients:
8 ounces beef round tip center steaks, cut 1/8 to 1/4 inch thick
2 eggs, beaten
1/4 cup shredded Mexican cheese blend or jalapeño pepper cheese
1 tablespoon water
1/4 teaspoon pepper
Salt
2 medium flour tortillas (10-inch diameter), warmed
1/4 cup prepared salsa

Toppings: Sour cream, chopped fresh cilantro, additional prepared salsa (optional)

Instructions:

1. Combine eggs, cheese and water in small bowl. Spray large nonstick skillet with cooking spray; heat over medium-high heat until hot. Add egg mixture; cook and stir 1 to 2 minutes or until scrambled and just set. Set aside; keep warm.

2. Season beef steaks with pepper. Carefully wipe out skillet with paper towels, if necessary. Spray with cooking spray; heat over medium-high heat until hot. Add 1/2 of beef; cook 1/8-inch thick steaks 1 to 2 minutes (1/4-inch thick steaks 3 to 4 minutes) or until outside surface of beef is no longer pink. Do not overcook. Remove from skillet. Repeat with remaining beef. Season beef with salt, as desired.

3. Layer 1/2 of beef on each tortilla, leaving 1-1/2-inch border on right and left sides; top with 2 tablespoons salsa and 1/2 of eggs. Fold right and left sides of tortilla over filling. Fold bottom edge up over filling and roll up tightly. Serve with toppings, if desired.

Makes 2 servings.

Note: Despite this recipe, I am in no way condoning Mexico or a Mexican way of life. I strongly support building a bigger fence. - Dick

Rowdy Rawhide Steaks

You know who sings like a motherfucker?

Or, at least, he used to?

Frankie Laine.

Big, manly baritone booming out great songs like 'Rawhide' and - well, I'm sure there were many others.

Well, now the son of a bitch is dead and I can't tell you that I haven't been sitting here in the bunker playing my damn 45 of 'Rawhide' over and over.

Rollin, rollin, rollin, Rollin, rollin, rollin.
Rollin, rollin, rollin, Rollin, rollin, rollin Rawhide!

Rollin, rollin, rollin,
Though the streams are swollen. Keep them doggies rollin’ Rawhide!

Rain and wind and weather. Hell-bent for leather. Wishin my gal was by my side.
All the things I’m missin. Good vittles, love, and kissin are waiting at the end of my ride

Chorus

Move ‘em on, head ‘em up. Head ‘em up, move ‘em on. Move ‘em on, head ‘em up, Rawhide! Count ‘em out, ride ‘em in. Ride ‘em in, count ‘em out. Count ‘em out, ride ‘em in Rawhide!

Keep movin, movin, movin. Though they’re disapprovin keep them doggies movin Rawhide!Don’t try to understand ‘em, just rope, throw, and brand ‘em. Soon we’ll be living high and wide.

My hearts calculatin. My true love will be waitin, Be waitin at the end of my ride. Rawhide! Rawhide!

That song, motherfuckers, is Dick Cheney.

All of this cowpoke talk has left me hungry for some good beef, and today we have a fitting recipe in memory of 'Rawhide.'

Late last month, I met and had dinner with the most trusted man in broadcasting, Mr. Rush Limbaugh. We spoke at length about a number of engaging topics that evening and found that we share something. Rush managed to avoid Vietnam by claiming 'pilonidal cysts,' which are basically boils on his ass. He had his doctor fill out the paperwork and shoot it over to the draft board and everything, no problems. I, on the other hand, avoided service with school deferments and, finally, by knocking up my old lady.

Sweet Jesus, I wish I'd known what old Rush knew back then.

But, I digress. Rush cooks up a mean steak and at the conclusion of our evening, I requested and received this recipe.

Enjoy the fucking meat.

Rowdy Rawhide Steaks with Mushrooms and Peppercorn Sauce

Ingredients:
2 beef round sirloin tip center steaks, cut 1 inch thick (about 8 ounces each)
8 ounces button mushrooms, sliced
1/4 cup chopped fresh chives
2 to 3 tablespoons green peppercorns, coarsely crushed
1 tablespoon Dijon-style mustard
1/2 cup reduced sodium or regular ready-to-serve beef broth
1/4 cup whipping cream
Salt
Fresh chives (optional)

Seasoning:
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 to 1 teaspoon ground black pepper

Instructions:
1. Combine seasoning ingredients in small bowl; press evenly onto beef steaks. Spray large nonstick skillet with nonstick cooking spray. Heat over medium heat until hot. Place steaks in skillet; cook 14 to 15 minutes for medium rare doneness, turning occasionally. Do not overcook. Remove to plate; keep warm.

2. If necessary, re-spray skillet with cooking spray. Add mushrooms and 1/4 cup chives to skillet; cook 4 to 5 minutes or until mushrooms are tender, stirring occasionally. Remove from skillet; keep warm.

3. Meanwhile combine peppercorns, as desired, and mustard. Add mustard mixture, broth and cream to skillet; bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Cook and stir 2 to 3 minutes until thickened. Add mushroom mixture; cook until heated through.

4. Carve steaks into thin slices. Season with salt, as desired. Spoon sauce over steak. Garnish with chives, if desired.

Makes 4 servings.

Note: I wasn't inferring that the thing Rush and I shared was dodging the draft. Shit, anybody with brains did that. No, what are the odds, we both have suffered from anal cysts. Which reminds me to call Mary Matalin - this damn thing isn't going to lance itself.

Liberty's Reversed Manicotti

Well, I won my Super Bowl bet with Dylan.

Never have I been more certain of a proposition than this one, but I found a sucker and took him all the way to the bank.

It is a sad statement that CBS chose to remind us constantly that this was the first SB with a Black head coach, not to mention that both coaches were Black - Dungy and Lovie.

(What the fuck kind of name is 'Lovie' for a football coach anyway? Wasn't that the rich chick on 'Gilligan's Island?' Jesus Christ, in my day we had coaches with names like Vince and Knute and Bear. They would've eaten 'Lovie' for a mid-morning snack.)

So, Dylan and I wagered, Price is Right style, closest without going over, on the total time CBS would dedicate to this somewhat minor facet of the game.

In a manly fashion, I allowed Dylan first choice.

He went with 1 minute, forty-five seconds.

Son-of-a-bitch almost took my time, but not quite. I went with 1 minute, forty-six seconds, a number I had settled on some time ago, to be honest. Unfortunately for him, either we both had to be over or he had to get the exact time. Anything else and he loses.

The broadcast began and, sure enough, off we go with the 'Black thing.' We stopped the clock somewhere in the 3 minute range.

Dylan was quite understandably upset. He threw up on my $4800 flokati throw - for which he will be docked in pay until the damn thing is paid off - and cried to be let out of the bet, that it was "all in good fun."

Fuck that.

Nothing with Dick Cheney is "all in good fun."

I told him that a bet is a bet and he had no choice but to pay up.

What was the bet, you ask?

The loser of our bet has to screw my old lady. She's got her womanly needs, you know.

I believe he's in the residence right now trying to roust the little red rooster.

It's not a task for the weak of heart with that old naked war horse staring you down. I don't envy the poor boy.

Better him than me, though.

Well, today's fine recipe comes to us from a sit down dinner with America's leading theologian, the Reverend Pat Robertson. Pat is something of a train wreck as a human being - believes he converses regularly with God, hates everything that isn't spelled out in the Bible and has a strange aversion to anything touching his hands. Nothing is allowed to directly touch his hands. He wears dainty little white gloves and preens around as if there is nothing odd about it. I'll tell you, if he didn't have a television network, somebody would throw this crazy son-of-a-bitch into a fucking loony bin. This motherfucker needs some serious time on the couch, but we'll overlook it as long as he keeps writing the checks.

So, I'm trying to make conversation with this cocksucker and he really doesn't know anything outside of his television studio or a few dozen scriptures that he's memorized. In other words, it's fucking impossible. I've never had a less enthralling dinner companion, but his cook, an large-boobed woman of Mediterranean descent aptly named 'Liberty,' served this delicious casserole, an 'Eye-tal-yun' dish, as he called it.

I managed to corral her later and get the recipe. From her ample bosom to you:

Liberty's Reversed Manicotti

Ingredients:
• 1 medium onion

• 1 tsp minced garlic

• 2 Tablespoons olive oil

• 2 lbs ground beef (sirloin or chuck)

• Oregano to taste

• 1 can diced tomatoes

• 1 can pasta sauce (any flavor...pick your favorite!)

• 1 box manicotti noodles

• Feta cheese to sprinkle on top

• Parmesan Cheese and Mozzarella to sprinkle on top

Method:
Cut and cook onions in a little olive oil. Chop up garlic and add it to the onions as they cook. Cook the sirloin (or chuck) and drain off all the grease. Add the meat to the onion/garlic. Sprinkle in some Oregano. Add diced tomatoes and pasta sauce. Let simmer on low. After about 5 minutes, spoon off any watery liquid from the filling. Meanwhile, boil Pasta till al dente. Set aside about 1/4 of the filling. Fill Pasta carefully with the rest of the meat mixture. Stuff them full, being careful not to break pasta. Place side by side in a long baking dish or pan. Cover with rest of the meat mixture. Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese, mozzarella and feta cheese and bake at 350 degrees until cheese is melted.

Notes:
Great to make-ahead and freeze, then pop in the oven later to warm. Also great alternative for those who do not like a ricotta cheese filling in manicotti. Also, make sure the Reverend's 'medications' are finely groud and added with his serving.

Number of servings: 6-8

Individual Beef Wellington

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Asian Beef and Broccoli

In honor of Black History Month, we ran something of a social experiment around the bunker today.

You see, I recently got another new intern, Rolando. Rolando is a Black kid from inner-city Detroit who has worked his way up through some dangerous schools, truly little more than burned-out hellholes, and into Princeton University. His dreams of Yale Law and wild thoughts of Oxford are enough to bring light to even the most hardened heart. Rolando has really pushed hard to make a life for himself and he happens to be the first Black intern I've ever had.

Dylan, my longest-tenured intern, obviously guards his position in my hierarchy quite closely, but he has gone above and beyond expectations I had of him in his work with Rolando. Dylan has offered tips and advice to the "newbie" which have obviously sped his transition to our little group.

Yesterday at lunch, Dylan spoke of how improved race relations are a result of the Cheney/Bush era. Rolando appeared somewhat incredulous, but Dylan backed up his statements with what I felt were some fairly solid pieces of reasoning. I ask you, have there been any marches in Birmingham on my watch? No, only during the failed years of expanded government under the defeatocrats in the hippie 60s.

I spoke up to back Dylan's assertions and we spent a good 25-30 minutes on the positives of race relations in Cheney America. Rolando had a few, minor offerings - most so vague that I can't recall - but he offered nothing concrete to demonstrate his belief that race still matters.

I proposed an experiment.

We went down to the den and I had the boys pull out the new 35-inch Sony television and haul it upstairs. They set it down in the foyer and then I grabbed a radio we keep in the kitchen. Giving the radio to Dylan and the television to Rolando, I told them of my experiment.

Each was to burst through the front door with his item and run as far and as fast as he could before being stopped. Rolando, again, seemed incredulous, but I assured him everything would be fine - I'm fucking Dick Cheney and people answer to me.

This was going to be an important life lesson for both boys.

I held the door for them and told them to go. They each hit the front lawn at a dead run.

Dylan, with the small radio tucked under his jacket, made very good time toward the front gate.

Rolando, on the other hand, seemed to struggle in his sprint with the 35-inch Trinitron. A somewhat slight young man, he had difficulty with the bulk and weight and strained to maintain a good sprint across the lawn.

I suppose Dylan's years of work here and his familiarity with the guards may have tilted my little experiment somewhat. He made it to the gate unaccosted.

Rolando, however, was ordered to halt. Failing to do so in a timely manner, he was brought down with tasers. I believe he must have had 4 different officers tasering him at one point.

They really let that little son of a bitch have it.

He got up and started blabbing, of course, about how he was an intern of mine and that I had ordered him to do this, but no one believed him. I got a call within the residence several minutes later asking to verify the story, but after my little hunting accident last year, I don't need any additional distractions. I denied the entire affair and they hauled Rolando away in cuffs, bruised and bloodied.

My poor Trinitron, unfortunately, lay on the lawn in hundreds of shattered pieces.

I'll dock that out of his pay.

My point is this: there was a time when a Black man running with a television set would have been gunned down without warning. We don't do that anymore. Rolando was brought down with tasers.

Is that an improvement, or what?

Race relations in this country have never been better.

Rolando will make his way through the system, I'm sure. I doubt that Yale Law is in his future and he can sure as fuck forget about Oxford. Hell, Princeton probably won't even allow him back in, but he'll be okay. I mean, jesus, I'm a Caspar Community College guy and look how far I've come.

Rolando's going to be alright.

Probably.

Unlike my 35-inch Sony Trinitron.

On to today's recipe.

I'm a regular for meals with this guy. Let me tell you, he knows a little something about beef - especially for a Chinaman.

The Reverend Sun Myung Moon and I go back a ways. We came to know him through his association with the Bush syndicate. He's donated plenty of cold hard cash to the cause and I've got him looking into my little issue with the Dark Lord. He thinks he can get me out of the deal, but it's not going to be easy. Right now, all of my eggs are in his basket, so let's hope he doesn't fuck it up.

Anyway, he stirs up a mean plate of beef whatnot and after a recent meal I asked for the recipe. His writing's a little hard to decipher, but I think the following is pretty close to ballpark for his intended instructions.

Rev. Moon's Asian Beef and Broccoli

1 1/4 pounds boneless beef top round or top sirloin steak, cut 1-inch thick

2 (3-ounce each) packages Oriental-flavored instant ramen noodles, broken up

1 1/2 teaspoons cornstarch dissolved in 1/2 cup water

2 tablespoons vegetable oil

1/2 pound broccoli florets

2 medium carrots, thinly sliced

1 teaspoon grated orange rind (optional)
Cut beef steak lengthwise in half, then crosswise into 1/8-inch thick strips. Combine seasoning from ramen noodles with cornstarch mixture in large bowl. Add beef; toss.

Heat 1 tablespoon oil in large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat until hot.

Stir-fry broccoli and carrots 1 minute. Add noodles and 1 1/2 cups water; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer 3 to 5 minutes or until vegetables are tender and most of liquid is absorbed, stirring occasionally. Remove; keep warm.

Heat remaining oil in same skillet over medium-high heat until hot. Drain beef, discarding marinade. Stir-fry 1/2 of beef 1 to 2 minutes or until outside surface of beef is no longer pink. (Do not overcook.) Remove. Repeat with remaining beef.

Serve over noodles. Sprinkle with orange rind.

Makes 4 servings.

Note: Revered Moon has quite the Messianic Complex. If you're ever served by the good reverend, you can make big points by offering compliments like, "Mmmm - better than Jesus could have done." He really gets off on that.