Bringing Heat

Unfortunately, prior commitments kept me away from throwing out a traditional first pitch today as the national passed time gets underway.

I was quite the ball player during my days at the old CCC and still am the holder of multiple records, if I'm not mistaken. Fleet of foot, muscled to perfection, beautiful hair flowing in the wind, Dick Cheney could have been the best ever, but I had other priorities.

The years may have faded, but the skills remain strong. After throwing out the first pitch last year, a speedball using the special "Cheney-Grip," I was approached by an official with the Texas team who told me that never had a throw been clocked at such velocity. Well, then! I asked how fast, but he refused to reveal - probably from fear of embarassing his professionals.

"80?" I asked.

He just smiled.

"85?"

The official again refused to verify.

"You're not telling me I topped 90 mph?"

Nothing but a slight snicker.

I knew I was getting close.

"How near 100 was it?" I asked.

He just rolled his eyes.

That told me that not only had I been close to 100 on the radar, but that I had topped it.

Dick Cheney knows how to translate information when it comes in bits and pieces, how to distill it, break it down and then reconstruct it to form the truth. Trust me, I topped 100 easily according to this guy.

Unfortuantely, I didn't have the opportunity to top it this season, although I'm sure my devoted legion of fans nationwide left their games massively disappointed shortly after the first pitch because of no Dick Cheney.

Perhaps next year, my friends.

Perhaps next year.