I suppose this could be the type of thing that may cause a reconsideration on your part of everything you know about me, but as this is intended to be a journal, a chronicle, if you will, of me and my daily life, then there are things that you, the reader, should be aware of right up front in order that we move on with this thing and establish who Dick Cheney really is and why things are done in a certain manner.
Well, strap in.
About thirty-five years ago, some men approached me with a proposal.
"How would you like to have success and fortune beyond your wildest dreams," they asked.
Well, shit, who wouldn't?
They proceeded to tell me about a power -- a life-altering power that was available to me if I would just ask graciously and then accept it into my heart.
Now, you know me. Dick Cheney has never asked anyone for anything and never will. I mean, if you don't consider five draft deferments asking for something. I guess that's up for debate, but I digress.
The offer filled me with intrigue. Never mind failing to really adhere to any particular belief system before. I was being given a chance to wipe clear all of my previous short-sighted life and begin something new. It was just the kind of thing that a young go-getter could sink his teeth into. For the first time I would believe in something greater than myself.
It was there, in the office of my boss, Don Rumsfeld, that I accepted Lord Satan into my heart.
Now, I know you're asking why the hell anybody would accept Satan. I mean, Jesus, aren't you just damning yourself for all eternity?
Well, right you are. I am damned to hell, but I think this is where it is esential that we all know ourselves. I know Dick Cheney; I've lived with him all my life. Dick Cheney's not a good person. No way in hell I was ever getting through the pearly gates, so why not cut my losses and shoot for something a little better in my likely destination. Sort of like knowing you're going to Mexico, but instead of Nuevo Laredo you shoot for Cancun.
Now, I've been cheating death for awhile. I've probably pissed off Satan a little with the failed fatal heart attacks, but as I get older and death creeps closer, I find myself looking for some way out of this deal. Sure, it paid off - it paid off in spades. How the hell else can you explain a 'C' student from Caspar Community College rising to my current post? I don't want to die, you know? I mean, what if I've signed up for an eternity of blowing Hitler or, worse yet, Milton Berle? Jesus. What if those are the best things that can happen to you in hell? See, like I said, I'm not a smart man and never asked what eternity held. My bad. All I wanted at the time was immediate gratification. Okay, this has been pretty good, but now what? I'm just trying to stave off death until this is cleared up somewhat.
Rummy and I laugh about it now, but my "initiation" was quite the hoot. I didn't realize there was going to be quite so much ass fucking by so many different people.
It was almost five years before I realized that there is no initiation.
INGREDIENTS
3/4 pound shallots, halved lengthwise and peeled
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
salt and pepper to taste
3 cups beef broth
3/4 cup port wine
1 1/2 teaspoons tomato paste
2 pounds beef tenderloin roast, trimmed
1 teaspoon dried thyme
3 slices bacon, diced
3 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
4 sprigs watercress, for garnish
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). In 9 inch pie pan, toss shallots with oil to coat. Season with salt and pepper. Roast until shallots are deep brown and very tender, stirring occasionally, about 30 minutes.
In a large saucepan, combine beef broth and port. Bring to a boil. Cook over high heat until the volume is reduced by half, about 30 minutes. Whisk in tomato paste. Set aside.
Pat beef dry; sprinkle with thyme, salt and pepper. In a large roasting pan, set over medium heat on the stove top, saute bacon until golden. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to paper towels. Add beef to pan; brown on all sides over medium high heat, about 7 minutes.
Transfer pan to oven. Roast beef until meat thermometer inserted into center registers 125 degrees F (50 degrees C) for medium rare, about 25 minutes. Transfer beef to platter. Tent loosely with foil.
Spoon fat off top of pan drippings in roasting pan. Place pan over high heat on stove top. Add broth mixture, and bring to boil; stir to scrape up any browned bits. Transfer to a medium saucepan, and bring to simmer. Mix 1 1/2 tablespoon butter and flour in small bowl to form smooth paste; whisk into broth mixture, and simmer until sauce thickens. Whisk in remaining butter. Stir in roasted shallots and reserved bacon. Season with salt and pepper.
Cut beef into 1/2 inch thick slices. Spoon some sauce over, and garnish with watercress.
Well, strap in.
About thirty-five years ago, some men approached me with a proposal.
"How would you like to have success and fortune beyond your wildest dreams," they asked.
Well, shit, who wouldn't?
They proceeded to tell me about a power -- a life-altering power that was available to me if I would just ask graciously and then accept it into my heart.
Now, you know me. Dick Cheney has never asked anyone for anything and never will. I mean, if you don't consider five draft deferments asking for something. I guess that's up for debate, but I digress.
The offer filled me with intrigue. Never mind failing to really adhere to any particular belief system before. I was being given a chance to wipe clear all of my previous short-sighted life and begin something new. It was just the kind of thing that a young go-getter could sink his teeth into. For the first time I would believe in something greater than myself.
It was there, in the office of my boss, Don Rumsfeld, that I accepted Lord Satan into my heart.
Now, I know you're asking why the hell anybody would accept Satan. I mean, Jesus, aren't you just damning yourself for all eternity?
Well, right you are. I am damned to hell, but I think this is where it is esential that we all know ourselves. I know Dick Cheney; I've lived with him all my life. Dick Cheney's not a good person. No way in hell I was ever getting through the pearly gates, so why not cut my losses and shoot for something a little better in my likely destination. Sort of like knowing you're going to Mexico, but instead of Nuevo Laredo you shoot for Cancun.
Now, I've been cheating death for awhile. I've probably pissed off Satan a little with the failed fatal heart attacks, but as I get older and death creeps closer, I find myself looking for some way out of this deal. Sure, it paid off - it paid off in spades. How the hell else can you explain a 'C' student from Caspar Community College rising to my current post? I don't want to die, you know? I mean, what if I've signed up for an eternity of blowing Hitler or, worse yet, Milton Berle? Jesus. What if those are the best things that can happen to you in hell? See, like I said, I'm not a smart man and never asked what eternity held. My bad. All I wanted at the time was immediate gratification. Okay, this has been pretty good, but now what? I'm just trying to stave off death until this is cleared up somewhat.
Rummy and I laugh about it now, but my "initiation" was quite the hoot. I didn't realize there was going to be quite so much ass fucking by so many different people.
It was almost five years before I realized that there is no initiation.
Beef Tenderloin with Roasted Shallots
INGREDIENTS
3/4 pound shallots, halved lengthwise and peeled
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
salt and pepper to taste
3 cups beef broth
3/4 cup port wine
1 1/2 teaspoons tomato paste
2 pounds beef tenderloin roast, trimmed
1 teaspoon dried thyme
3 slices bacon, diced
3 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
4 sprigs watercress, for garnish
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). In 9 inch pie pan, toss shallots with oil to coat. Season with salt and pepper. Roast until shallots are deep brown and very tender, stirring occasionally, about 30 minutes.
In a large saucepan, combine beef broth and port. Bring to a boil. Cook over high heat until the volume is reduced by half, about 30 minutes. Whisk in tomato paste. Set aside.
Pat beef dry; sprinkle with thyme, salt and pepper. In a large roasting pan, set over medium heat on the stove top, saute bacon until golden. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to paper towels. Add beef to pan; brown on all sides over medium high heat, about 7 minutes.
Transfer pan to oven. Roast beef until meat thermometer inserted into center registers 125 degrees F (50 degrees C) for medium rare, about 25 minutes. Transfer beef to platter. Tent loosely with foil.
Spoon fat off top of pan drippings in roasting pan. Place pan over high heat on stove top. Add broth mixture, and bring to boil; stir to scrape up any browned bits. Transfer to a medium saucepan, and bring to simmer. Mix 1 1/2 tablespoon butter and flour in small bowl to form smooth paste; whisk into broth mixture, and simmer until sauce thickens. Whisk in remaining butter. Stir in roasted shallots and reserved bacon. Season with salt and pepper.
Cut beef into 1/2 inch thick slices. Spoon some sauce over, and garnish with watercress.
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