BBQ Beef Ribs

Enough with the charade.

It's time to come clean.

I am sick and goddamn tired of hearing charges of incompetence leveled at this administration. Sure, the Cheer Captain is an incompetent buffoon who, with any other surname, would be a night manager at a Denny's somewhere around Odessa, but for some of the rest of us - well, shit, enough already.

Let me tell you something - things are running beautifully. When this little experiment hit the ground running some six years ago, we could never have anticipated being this successful. It's like a fucking wet dream.

You say, well, it seems things are mighty rough for you fellows.

Hogwash.

What you are witnessing is the complete and utter destruction of the federal government as you and I and our children have known it. Good riddance. We had long range plans, sure, but never did we believe that they would be realized in such short order. I mean, look at the strokes of luck we've fallen into:

9/11 - A Godsend. Scared the living shit out of every fucking one of you, didn't it? People rolled over on that and we fucked them hard, let me tell you. All of the nuisance laws regarding 'personal rights' were pretty much voided on the spot. I would estimate that we saved 10-15 years of tough slogging through congress with bill after bill simply because of 9/11. Of course, that leads us to:

The War - Many, many good and decent American people lost vast amounts of money during the so-called 'New Deal.' Taxes, social security, more taxes - Jesus, it got to the point where a man of means was supporting entire villages of vagrants and outcasts with his hard-earned tax dollars. With good, solid no-bid deals done during wartime, we have been able to alleviate some of the suffering.

Scandals - Please, nobody could fuck up this much without some type of extraordinary effort. New Orleans? Hey, move to higher ground, Bojangles. Walter Reed? How about a little gratitude for the fact that Hezzbolah's not rolling Molotov cocktails right under your bed, you ingrates. Jesus, peppered with a little shrapnel and suddenly you become Martha Stewart. Show some goddamn backbone. Fired attorneys? Who gives a shit, they're fucking goddless lawyers looking to sue some poor businessman under the table. Fuck them. Scooter? Be quiet, he's almost forgotten.

What you are witnessing is historic and I want to continue this for at least eight more years. Remember, Glory Awaits America - Draft Dick '08. We'll make this look like a fucking tea party.

Today's recipe comes from none other than the Cheer Captain himself.

I don't recall the first time he served this, but I'm relatively certain it was the first time I dined on his "ranch." He serves the same damned thing every fucking time. I guess it's all he knows. But, it was tasty the first time or two, so I pass the recipe (stolen from his kitchen counter) to you.

Cheer Captain's BBQ Beff Ribs (Sic)

2 racks of beef back ribs (7 ribs per rack)
2 Tbsp. black pepper
1 Tbsp. ground oregano
1 Tbsp. paprika
2 tsp. celery salt
1/2 tsp. ground cayenne pepper

Combine all spices.

Rub over surface of ribs to coat well.
Preheat oven to 300°F.
Place ribs on a rack in a roasting pan. Add 1/2-inch of bourbon to bottom of pan.

Cover pan with foil and tightly seal edges.
Bake at 300°F for 2 hours.
Remove ribs from pan and place on grill over medium coals for 15 minutes.

Serve with your favorite barbecue sauce.
Cut between ribs to serve.

NOTE: I figured that by stealing this fucker, it would put an end to "rib night" on the ranch, but I was mistaken. Apparently he does this by muscle memory as they once again were served during my last trip to Texas. Worse, I was seated next to Condoleeza - something akin to being seated next to a porn star as she rams the bones into her mouth, oohing and ahhing with each thrust. Sickening slut.