Red Wine Steak

Holy fucking hell. What a confusing moment in which to be trapped.

I remember a time before this hellish age of communication when a man could live his life free from the fear of having his personal data strewn about like so much rubbish.

As a younger man, I was pulled over one late evening by a Wyoming state trooper. He determined that I was operating under the influence and ticketed me for such offense. I won't go into the details here about whether or not I was driving impaired, that's not important. A few weeks later, I was pulled over by a different Wyoming state trooper who, again, determined that I was driving under the influence. Again, my level of sobriety is not the issue here.

Instead, it's communications.

The State of Wyoming had no way to connect the two arrests as there was no system in place to do so. In both cases, I was treated as a first time offender. Let me say that if the second judge had knowledge of my first arrest, the penalty would have been much harsher and, in all probability, Dick Cheney would not be working in government today. For small things we can be thankful.

My point is that we have entered into an era of darkness. I currently have top people working on ways to undo this internet phenomenon that plagues our daily lives and return the world to a time of clarity and governmental privacy.

New motto: Dick Cheney: Building a Bridge to the 19th Century.

Today's recipe comes from a great Republican, Mr. Bruce Willis.

Perhaps second only to Tom 'Magnum' Selleck in the sweepstakes to be the Republican heir to Dick Cheney's virility, a race that may be too close to call. Standing between those two hunks of manhood leaves one weak in the knees, however.

Trust me.

Bruce served this delicious meal on a crisp Autumn night in his Rocky Mountain hideaway. We have been long time friends, as you may or may not know. Not many people are keen to the fact that Dick Cheney made a guest appearance in the last Die Hard movie. It's true. I played the part of a government official. Some have said that I'm not photogenic, but those fuckers have never been in a Bruce Willis picture, have they, so what the fuck do they know? Motherfuckers.

Anyway, Bruce really knows his meat and can throw it out there with the best of them. He concocted this tasty dish and it absolutely melted in my mouth. Never have I enjoyed a piece of meat more. I'll admit that the spirits were flowing and that I probably had no business driving back to my room that night, but I made it safe and sound. No harm, no foul, I say.

I had to call later and ask, but Bruce was kind enough to share this recipe and now you have access to the meat of a real American movie star.

Enjoy the fucking beef.

Bruce Willis' Red Wine Steak

1 pound sirloin steak, cut in strips

2 cups dry red wine

2 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley

2 teaspoons dried oregano

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon ground black pepper

1 teaspoon minced garlic

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

2 cups sliced mushrooms

1/2 cup chopped onion

1 tablespoon cornstarch

2 tablespoons water

Cooked noodles for accompaniment

Place steak into bowl or glass dish.

Mix together red wine, parsley, oregano, salt, pepper and garlic.

Pour over steak and marinate for 8 hours in the refrigerator.
Heat oil in a large skillet; sauté mushrooms and onions until soft.

Remove vegetables from skillet and set aside.
Remove steak from the marinade; reserve marinade and set aside.

Brown in the same skillet.

Add marinade, mushrooms and onions to the skillet; simmer for 30 minutes over low heat.
Meanwhile, prepare noodles according to package directions; drain.
Remove steak and vegetables from pan.

In a small dish, dissolve cornstarch in water.

Add to the pan juices in skillet.

Cook until thick, stirring constantly.

Return steak and vegetables to the pan.
Serve over noodles.

Garnish with extra parsley.
Makes 4 servings.

NOTE: You ladies in Aspen watch out next October - Bruce and I go out birddogging tail on occassion and you just may find yourself sharing time with the two stars of Die Hard: Something or Other.